Journey Home Alone and Away for 7 Months

(Milwaukee Airport)

Well time will always have a beginning and an end. This time it is my time to leave. Our journey to spend our last time with dad was worth the torture of kids crying and the long flights. Just being together with the whole family was great. Anyways, my time was up and it was time for me to depart. This time it was just going to be by myself. Which sucks, I hate leaving when I feel all settled in, especially leaving my wife.

 (Taking off from Milwaukee)

It was a rainy day and I felt sad within, I may sound too emotional but even the toughest person will feel the same as I. Many thoughts run in my head, whenever I close my eyes. Listening to music was hard as well without thinking about everything that has happened when I was there. So sleeping during the flights were difficult. Not just the only thought my father in law, my wife and the family but the thought of not making it back on time. Catching that flight to Okinawa from Seattle was on my mind. 

(Phoenix, AZ)

Throughout my flights, there is one particular religious lady that sat next to me. Throughout the flight, she kept asking questions about if I was a religious person and if things have been going the way I wanted. Since I have told her about my father in law passing and that I wont see my wife for 7 months and that I might have to purchase a ticket to Okinawa out of my own pocket if I do not get on Space A. So as we were landing, she said, "Okay Pancho, lets pray." First off I was pretty freaked out because I had my eyes closed as she held my hands and saying a prayer as we were landing but for some reason I felt really grateful of her her kindness. 

Once I landed and recieved my bag in Seattle. I rushed upstairs to get be in line for 3 hours to get put on the list. Once they got my information, I had to wait for another  4 hours for them to call out names that will be on the flight. I was the 7th person on the list.  Well 5:30am, came and they told me that all Space A passengers have been put on the flight. Alot of weight was lifted off me, and stress level became calm. Prayers from family and the lady during my Phoenix flight all worked out. I was grateful. 

(Mt. Fuji, Japan)

After staying the night at Yokota since the plane needed to be repaired, we were back in the air heading to Iwakuni which only lasted for an hour then to Okinawa. Plans never go the way you expected but I was still glad, I got onto the flight. Once I landed in Okinawa and went home. It was different, I was alone. Sadness settled in and there was not a thing that I could to be to accept it. The internet was down, So I could not use the WiFi to constantly communicate with the family back home. From time to time, I would get a good connection on my phone but not all the time. 

So, many thoughts would run in my head and most of those thoughts would be me not coming back from this deployment. I'm not sure why it pops up in my head and that feeling over comes me but it does. I do not for some reason my body seeks a calm spirituality. Is my soul preparing it automatically for this deployment? Trying to harden it and prepare it for battle? I am not sure, I have never felt like this in my whole lifetime. This is the first. 

I miss my wife.

John 16:32-33

"A time is coming and in face has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. " "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. but take heart! I have overcome the world."

Psalm 144:1-2

"Blessed be the LORD, my rock, Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle; My loving kindness and my fortress, My stronghold and my deliverer; My shield and He in whom I take refuge; Who Subdues my people under me. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. he will not leave you or forsake you."

MOOD- Alone, Spiritual & Weak
SONG PLAYING-Don't Give Up On Me by Jason Aldean

Read more

Half way around the world and a quarter back.

Two days of traveling on a plane isn't the greatest but during this time. It didn't matter, the only thing matters is getting there on time.

The travel is not always the easiest but 16 hours of two babies crying one after another and a cocky little boy. (Photo of me wrapping my head up) which shows these kids have no way of being controlled. Way too late for disciplining. It's like training a dog.

Anyways, long flights and touching down at places you grew up at or places we've never been. Flying over several different landscapes from the Alaskan mountains to the flat lands of North Carolina. Experiencing the different forms of clouds but never forgetting the reason for our travel.

 (Alaska Mountains)

(North Carolina)

Our bus ride seemed to be a long ride and feeling like the bus driver was lost. Anxious to make it and not wasting another day of travel. When we arrived we were greeted by grief and sadness. There we see our father in the hospital bed. Deep breathing and anxious to get up at times. My wife was the last sibling to arrive to hold her father's hand. Never wanting to leave his side because she's been apart way too long.

(Bus ride to Milwaukee from Chicago)

We were warned about rough awakenings and our father's panic episodes of wanting to pull his IV's and tubes out and trying to get out. That night he was calm, yes he would wake up, but with the touch and the calmness voice of his daughter seemed to calm him down back to relax and sleep. Even though relaxing was way too hard for him but saving his energy to fight for another day is all that mattered to him. From my own prospective. Yes all the siblings had different ideas of ways to keep him around longer or easing him down, but cancer doesn't discriminate and life pauses for no one.

That night was calm, my wife and I were there by his side trying to stay up despite of our irregular sleep. We didn't care though, even my wife didn't care because no matter what she had time with her father. Keeping our father calm when he wakes, my wife was surprise to feel her father tightly holding her hand and at times I would too.

The morning reaches and we were glad to have made it earlier to be here by his side. If we had flown in on Saturday it would of been too late. Later that day, our father passed after being put into a change of clothes from the sweat soaked gown created by a fever. Deep down I felt like the fever was caused by the heating system but at the same time with the room filled with OG loved ones saying their prayer with doors closed. I would think that he would of had another day or two but that is something I have to let go and stop blaming that reason. He is now in a peaceful place but I know that him being with his family was the most peaceful place disregarding how they claim to be dysfunctional.

He is a good father with a strong heart. We all miss him because as days go by even I keep thinking that he's just at work and we are all waiting for him to come home, like we did before. It sucks but it hasn't hit us yet because he still lives in our hearts strong. His children and mom reliving childhood years as they laugh and cry. Remembering is the only way he still lives in our hearts and minds.

So traveling half way around the world and a quarter back doesn't seem rough anymore right?

"This world may have lost a good father but like mythology gods. They end up watching over us from above cloaked into the stars. Some may say that gods hold a certain power to be considered as gods but in the eyes of our children our parents are our gods."

"You will be missed but never forgotten."

MOOD- Anxious, Impatient & Worried
SONG PLAYING-Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

Read more

Missing you (Poem)

 

Missing You

Since I was sent out for training,

A lot of crap has been raining.

Confusion in this mess,

Igniting a lot of stress.

Every time the sun comes up,

It seems like everyone doesn't give a fuck.

But when the sun leaves,

And the moon shines down on this beast.

It calms my nerves,

it calms my temper.

A calmness I can't describe in words,

But I always remember.

That you are here with me,

Not in a human form but spiritually.

Nights seem so comfortable thinking of you,

Me missing you is what is pushing me through.

It has been rough,

and it has been tough.

Missing you does not put me down,

Missing you turns my worst days around. 

MOOD- Love, Missing & Poetic
SONG PLAYING-I Won't Let You Go by James Morrison

Read more